Self-Loathing

I've run pretty decent at the Borgata aside from one or six choice spots. I have played pretty well about half the time and absolutely fucking awful the other half. And for that, I hate myself. Everyone wants to do their job well and I am no exception to this rule, so why the fuck can't I? I don't know and it is a question that has been bothering me to no end. I can usually nitpick out a thing or two here but there must be some larger theme. In the past I would usually set a goal of something that I wanted and that would help for a bit until I lost sight of it. So maybe I will try that, but what should my goal be?

I did a few stupid things today. One was having a few drinks before playing. Thankfully I quite before the damage was too much. Drinking and playing is a terrible idea, especially for me. Then I just tried to play ~20 minutes ago but I am so tired I can barely think straight and it certainly showed in my plays. So I made another good quit while limiting the damage to under $200 which is nice but damage is damage.

My new thought is that I need a change of scenery. Spencer managed to talk me into (okay so I wanted him to do so) going to his party in the city on Saturday and taking those 24 hrs off should really help. I might even go outside tomorrow and say hello to the sun if it hasn't set by the time I get up. I don't think I have seen it in 8 days. No, that's not right. I went to the boardwalk with Chad and Luis a few days ago and had a few drinks but aside from that I have not seen the sun. Nobody needs that bastard anyway.

So, starting tomorrow I am going to pretend that I just got to the Borgata and am starting this journey. As I mentioned in a previous post, people's ability to delude themselves knows no bounds and I am no exception to this rule. I'm actually really good at it. Yay? I have put my winnings in a separate pocket of my backpack and have just the 4k cash that I began this journey with. Then, if I am feeling up to it and awake and well fed I will play some poker sessions. If not, then definitely Friday.

I always set a point and say "THIS IS THE BEGINNING!! I AM DONE BEING A SCREW UP!! FROM NOW ON, I AM DOING THIS THE RIGHT WAY!!" And you know what? I never can follow through. Hence the title.